An Empty Womb
I feel like I am a shame in society at times. I feel as though I am a shame to my family and friends at times...Because I am childless.
My husband and I have been married for a little over seven years. We have never gotten pregnant, and I have always had health issues in this area. For a long time I wondered what was my problem, spiritually, to cause me to be unable to have children. I would be envious of those who so easily had children, or those who had children and were unthankful for them. I especially was hurt by women who would have abortions.
I came to realize that God knows what He is doing in my life. Sure, I still ache from time to time, especially when I dream of being pregnant or having my first child. I will wake up still remembering what it felt like: the anticipation, the joy, the excitement, the overwhelming sense that I am now responsible for the upbringing of this dear soul. I woke up with empty arms.
Dear and I have not ruled out the possibility of adoption. Of course, we have heard the statements, "Well, you might get pregnant after adoption. That happens, you know." I know folks mean well. I don't care anymore if I become pregnant during an adoption process Dear and I may go through in the future. I do ask God for children, though, however it happens.
I get to shower love on the children in my local church. I don't get to do it often with my two nephews. So, I have adopted many children whose parents and selves have allowed me the opportunity to give love, when I don't have children at home with whom to share. Maybe one day.
One of the blessings of still being without children is the strength of our marriage. When we were married, I was still rebelling against God as a backslidden Christian, and my husband wasn't saved. It wasn't until a year and a half later that both of those situations changed. I changed, and my husband was born again. Then we started learning a lot that we never knew.
Here we are now, seven years into our marriage and better than we were than when we started. I can honestly say that I feel more confident in having children in our lives now than then. We are no where near perfect, but we trust the Lord and His Word to see us properly train and love any soul that may come into our lives.
Those who have children truly are blessed, and I think especially for the women. We were created to bear them and nurture them. When that doesn't happen (like myself) for various reasons, it does create issues. Yet I am learning to use that nurturing love in ministering where and how the Lord desires. It doesn't replace the desire, but it does help. :)
**I am sharing a video by Ray Comfort that Dear and I watched last night, thanks to A Wise Woman sharing it on her site. I am now sharing it with you, because I believe every person ought to see it. I do caution that not all of this video is suitable for young audiences: parents, use your discretion.
PSALM 127
2It is vain for you to rise up early, to sit up late, to eat the bread of sorrows: for so he giveth his beloved sleep.
3Lo, children are an heritage of the LORD: and the fruit of the womb is his reward.
4As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are children of the youth.
5Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them: they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate.
Renee,
ReplyDeleteThis is an excellent post. Thank you for sharing your heart and being so honest.
I am a fan of Ray Comfort and his ministries, but I was sort of wondering where the video was going in correlation to babies.
It is a really good parallel and worth watching the entire video. Knowledge is so highly valued in our society and having your own right to think freely. Sometimes it's the lack of moral and Biblical knowledge that we seek to think freely to make decisions our heart already would have had we just given more of a mind to these things.
It's a painful and vigorous thing to contemplate our own thoughts and motives but worth it.
Blessings!
Thank you. I have easy days, medium days, and sometimes (rarely anymore) hard days. The Lord has given me great comfort over what He is obviously in control over in my life. As far as those who have abortions, well, I pray for them. I pray for those who have children and no appreciation for them to have appreciation for them. Again, maybe one day I'll be a mother. :)
ReplyDeleteI feel the same way sometimes. Not about being pregnant, but about the fact that I'm still single. All my friends in my age group at church are married. Anyone that is single is younger & w/a big gap in lifestyles. It gets very lonely & I hate it when I see friends (not u) take their husbands for granted.
ReplyDeleteThis past Sat night though I sat through a devotion John 16:12. Jesus was telling the disciples that their were things that they couldn't know yet because they couldn't handle it (paraphrased). And the consensus at our bible study w/Bro. Geist was that the disciples weren't ready because the Lord had yet to show them the things that they would need to bless & teach the first church. Eventually though through the Holy Spirit these things were revealed to them.
The moral of the story being that eventually the Lord did reveal those things that were desired & that he wanted them to have, but there was preparation that they needed. Just like he prepares us for the things that he wants to bless us with, even though it's frustrating in the "waiting period" at times, whether it's a child or a husband. Only the Lord knows when, or even if, he'll come through for us. The fact is that sometimes married couples just don't have kids (I have friends w.that issue). What is important though is that we remain faithful to the Lord, not in anticipation of anything He may bless us with, but because we are his disciples and we still have a job to do for him.
I've seen this video up on a couple different blogs. I should probably take some time to watch it.
Thank you for the encouraging comment. Indeed, we have seen much in the way of preparation, if the Lord ever sees fit to give us children. Regardless, we will praise Him and serve Him to the very best we can. I will keep you in mind tonight as I pray, too. :)
ReplyDeleteBro. Geist just preached a message last night on the same verse. It might be uploaded to BBCs website so keep your eye out for it sometime.
ReplyDeleteHi there. New to your blog, but felt the pull to respond to this post. I too, have been where you are. My husband and I had been married for almost 19 years and had given up the idea of ever being blessed with children of our own. I tried very hard not to give the topic too much thought because it was so painful, but when I did cry out to the Lord every now and again over the years, it was a wailing, desperate cry. Like you, it hurt to see others have children they didn't treasure or hear of babies being thrown away like garbage in dumpsters. Didn't they know what a gift they had been given? But He was always faithful to comfort and console me and remind me that He was in charge of my life, and this helped ease the pain and remind me to be content.
ReplyDeleteI cannot tell you what joy it was to discover one day after almost 19 years of marriage, that I was indeed pregnant. I honestly never expected the Lord to bless me with my beautiful daughter, but He did. She is almost a year old now, and I am thankful every day the Lord has given me with her. I feel silly that I ever doubted His timing and plan, but I had to be prepared to accept 'no' as the answer to my heart's prayers.
Please just know that you are not alone in feeling the way you do. There are so many that have the same thoughts and feelings and are going through the same situation. Luckily, the very Creator of the universe has a personalized and perfect plan for your life. Whether your arms ever hold your own child or not, you are a child in His arms and can rest in that knowledge. Many blessings!
Wow, Jandell! Thank you very much for responding to this post. I am very thankful to know that the Creator has His perfect plan for me. Thank you for your encouraging words!
ReplyDelete