"38Now it came to pass, as they went, that he entered into a certain village: and a certain woman named Martha received him into her house. 39And she had a sister called Mary, which also sat at Jesus' feet, and heard his word. 40But Martha was cumbered about much serving, and came to him, and said, Lord, dost thou not care that my sister hath left me to serve alone? bid her therefore that she help me. 41And Jesus answered and said unto her, Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things: 42But one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her."
Jesus had to show me how I was idolizing servitude. I put my "service for God" above God. That thought was not exactly the best feeling in the world. It also hurt to know that I hurt God, hurt my spouse, and hurt brothers and sisters in Christ because of it.
I saw that the idolatry bred pride. Pride bred bitterness. Bitterness bred more pride. On and on the gross circle went.
Finally, I sat down with my husband to have a sort of "spiritual" review. I needed someone outside of my own head and heart to speak to me what I could not see. Thankfully, he was very gracious, but direct. He was able to empathize with me, since he himself has struggled and knows he will still be tempted with these sins.
Having these sins brought before me clearly are such a relief. I am not happy that I partook of them, but I am glad that I see them and was able to get things right with those necessary; first and foremost, God. I am also thankful that He will give me what I need to avoid those sins.
I thank my Lord Jesus Christ that He loves me. I thank Him that He has not given up on me, and never will. I thank Him that He chose to die for me. I thank Him that He is with me, right now, and helps me along my way. I just need to pay attention to Him.
I am praying, and will continue to pray, that I will walk circumspectly. I am praying that God will keep me with a meek and quiet spirit. I am praying that God will keep my heart loving Him first, above all others, passionately more than I have been. I am praying that God will still use me, in spite of my sins. I am praying that I will be a blessing to Him and to others along this lifetime. I am praying that I will have a "Mary attitude" rather than a "Martha attitude." Please pray with me on these issues, if you would be so kind. Thank you in advance.
"14For we know that the law is spiritual: but I am carnal, sold under sin. 15For that which I do I allow not: for what I would, that do I not; but what I hate, that do I. 16If then I do that which I would not, I consent unto the law that it is good. 17Now then it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me. 18For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present with me; but how to perform that which is good I find not. 19For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do. 20Now if I do that I would not, it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me. 21I find then a law, that, when I would do good, evil is present with me. 22For I delight in the law of God after the inward man: 23But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members. 24O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death? 25I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then with the mind I myself serve the law of God; but with the flesh the law of sin."