Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Sickened By Sin

     Lately, I have been meditating on my current spiritual health situation.  I realize that I do, neglect to do, say, or neglect to say things, that hinder my walk with the Lord.  I have been rather stagnant, sometimes.  I do not have the prayer life I should, and my devotions in the morning have become more ritualistic than out of love.  I am not proud of this situation. In fact, it sickens me to the core.
     I do not like looking inside myself, for when I do, I see the sinner I am.  It was not that long ago that I enjoyed reading the Bible, praying with God daily, multiple times in a day. That time was also before I backslid, and got caught up in all the lasciviousness of the world.  Ever since then, I have struggled with maintaining a steady, faithful life.
     I constantly feel the pull of the world around me, especially in these times.  I also compare myself quite frequently to other Christians around me.  I feel that they are much more devoted to God and spiritually-minded.  Never mind rationale, I do not have any sense of the word when I am focused on what my feelings are.  I know that deep-down in my soul, I long to be engulfed in the Word of God, prayer, and a devoted walk with Him.
     I sometimes think I need a refresher...Maybe I do.  I am constantly checking myself to see if this is all religiousity or sincerity.  I DO NOT want to just go through the motions.  The more I strive to love God, the more the pull of the world comes.  The battle begins the more enticing it becomes.
     I want to be victorious!  I do not want to continue dwelling in sin, making excuses for it.  I do not want to rationalize it, or enjoy it.  Once committed, (even though I have had warnings by the still, small voice prior to engaging in the wicked activity), or even when God puts up roadblocks, as a brother aptly put it:  "My soul feels dirty."
     I do not understand why I have put myself in this place, again.  I am determined not to turn away from the Lord, but my constant sinning is killing me.  I do not like who I am.  I am a sinner, saved only by the grace of God.  But I am still a sinner.  There are times when I think of myself, then think of Jesus, and as the prophet said, "I am completely undone."
     I know I need to re-prioritize my life.  I need to keep God #1, and myself last.  I need to spend more time in prayer, more time in study of His Word, and less time entertaining myself with the things of this world.  I live in the flesh way too much.  I do not desire to be carnally-minded, but spiritually-minded.  I only pray that God will have mercy and grant me the grace to overcome.
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