Lately, I have been meditating on my current spiritual health situation. I realize that I do, neglect to do, say, or neglect to say things, that hinder my walk with the Lord. I have been rather stagnant, sometimes. I do not have the prayer life I should, and my devotions in the morning have become more ritualistic than out of love. I am not proud of this situation. In fact, it sickens me to the core.
I do not like looking inside myself, for when I do, I see the sinner I am. It was not that long ago that I enjoyed reading the Bible, praying with God daily, multiple times in a day. That time was also before I backslid, and got caught up in all the lasciviousness of the world. Ever since then, I have struggled with maintaining a steady, faithful life.
I constantly feel the pull of the world around me, especially in these times. I also compare myself quite frequently to other Christians around me. I feel that they are much more devoted to God and spiritually-minded. Never mind rationale, I do not have any sense of the word when I am focused on what my feelings are. I know that deep-down in my soul, I long to be engulfed in the Word of God, prayer, and a devoted walk with Him.
I sometimes think I need a refresher...Maybe I do. I am constantly checking myself to see if this is all religiousity or sincerity. I DO NOT want to just go through the motions. The more I strive to love God, the more the pull of the world comes. The battle begins the more enticing it becomes.
I want to be victorious! I do not want to continue dwelling in sin, making excuses for it. I do not want to rationalize it, or enjoy it. Once committed, (even though I have had warnings by the still, small voice prior to engaging in the wicked activity), or even when God puts up roadblocks, as a brother aptly put it: "My soul feels dirty."
I do not understand why I have put myself in this place, again. I am determined not to turn away from the Lord, but my constant sinning is killing me. I do not like who I am. I am a sinner, saved only by the grace of God. But I am still a sinner. There are times when I think of myself, then think of Jesus, and as the prophet said, "I am completely undone."
I know I need to re-prioritize my life. I need to keep God #1, and myself last. I need to spend more time in prayer, more time in study of His Word, and less time entertaining myself with the things of this world. I live in the flesh way too much. I do not desire to be carnally-minded, but spiritually-minded. I only pray that God will have mercy and grant me the grace to overcome.